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Showdown Superstar
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« on: July 23, 2009, 09:56:54 pm » |
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I would greatly appreciate feedback on my first two RPs against Kenji this week. I'm trying to improve, and want to know how everyone else thinks I'm doing. I know in the past my stuff hasn't been anything spectacular, but hope that it's at least getting better. I'll give feedback to anyone else that would like it as well. Thanks!  |
  Record: 1-1-0 Streak: +1 Championships: UWE Tag Team Champion (w/Scylla)-29 December 2008 to 30 March 2009 UWE **** Champion - 26 January 2009 to April 28th, 2009[/center] |
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Angelus
The Master of Puppets
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Should've found a better diet
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« Reply #1 on: July 27, 2009, 06:48:42 am » |
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Been reading over your first and second, I'll see if I can't give you some better feedback than "ooh that was good!" Cuz I assume if I say something's good, you'd like to know what's good. And if it sucks, what sucks.
Kid you not; Ima do this as I read it. So....opening sequence.
The opening bit where he's in his office feels a little dry in all honesty. You did good describing it for the most part, but it just feels like it's lacking. What? I dunno exactly. Emotion? Reason? Action? He's staring at his cpu screen and begins rubbing his forehead, cuz he's frustrated. Right? Why? Why is this something the reader should care about? I'm not saying it doesn't belong, it does. But you only did it half-way so to speak. And yes, I realize he goes into later through the dialogue. But why not give some explanation/reasoning in the narration? Like "X see's Kiezamoore died/vanished/who knows and takes a long, deep breath, trying to relieve frustration as his hand finds it's way to his forehead" Ya know?
Dialogue and character interaction seem solid. You've def. improved. The only thing I think you REALLY need to work on is your descriptions and/or narration.
That was the first rp, I'll try and get ya something on the second later.
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Showdown Superstar
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« Reply #2 on: July 27, 2009, 07:22:56 am » |
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Thanks. I appreciate the feedback Chad.
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Record: 1-1-0 Streak: +1 Championships: UWE Tag Team Champion (w/Scylla)-29 December 2008 to 30 March 2009 UWE **** Champion - 26 January 2009 to April 28th, 2009[/center] |
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