UWE: The ****...you didn’t see
Writers: Bryce Glough and C2
So, today marks the first day of UWE: THE **** you didn't see. And, without further adieu, I, Bryce Glough, will start this thing out with some awards.
Biggest Winner: Star. Why, you ask? She got a free week and a win to add to it. Fighting James J is becoming a coffee break of sorts. Why? Well, when you read this sentence, you'll understand that there's no doubt. “And now, it's time to start up a new path on a new journey, and start anew.” Yes, folks, that's a dirrect quote. Which brings me to the biggest loser.
Biggest Loser: If James J's winning anything nowadays, it's the title of the absolute worst in the business. The only other person on the active roster with a comparable loss record is The X, but he's out, possible permanently, plus he didn't deserve such a poor record, nor has he no sold every situation presented to him for months, dating all the way back to the feud with New Dawn and the late Kiezamoore's unsuccessful attempt at carrying James J on his back.
Here's where we get to THE **** you didn't see. Kiezamoore offered to drop a match to James J at Fight Night: No Remorse, in order to get James J over and help him appear to be the strongest link on the team. James J's response? Well, in a nutshell, “I kinda want a break this week, so I'm going to pass.” All this has brought us to where we are today. Laurent, as well, tried to draw greatness out of him but received no cooperation or input from James J in return. Where did those two wind up? Kiezamoore's dead and Laurent couldn't **** take it and bounced. Instead of working the injury angle from a few weeks ago to his advantage, James J chose to nuke the entire thing, cutting a poorly made shoot promo on his boss, Duke Hamilton, in response. The conclusion? Not only is James J the king of no sell, he also happens to be, possibly, the worst wrestler to work with on either side of UWE. Let's see if this will prompt a change in the Krushed shell of a man that used to be the Krusher.
And finally, the award for Highlight of the week goes to...
Greenbean. The diligent, patient, and often controversial founder and owner of UWE will be stepping away after Wrestlemania to tend to himself. Greenbean has taken our beloved federation from the ground and built it into the place where all youngsters dream of wrestling one day. Greenbean was the glimmer of hope in the dark times leading up to Survivor Series 09, when fan interest seemed to be waning. He's been the steady hand guiding UWE to the pinnacle of sports entertainment, and his presence will surely be missed in the wrestling world.
LET'S GET REAL
Now that that's finished, on to some real world matters. What kind of real world matters you ask? Well... fat people. That's right, I'm here to talk about fat people. Now I don't have a problem with fat people, necessarily. I do, however, have a problem with fat people who don't give a ****, who know what they're doing to their body, and who persist and persist until, one day, they're crying about how the doctors had to surgically remove the leather of the couch they've been sitting on for 5 **** years from the crack of their ass, or how their feet are swollen and black and look like two punching bags, or how they haven't seen their dick in 6 years and their girlfriend's **** another man and they know there's nothing they can do about it because they're disgusted by their own smelly, sweaty, roll ridden FAT ASS!!
And I'll tell you something else. I don't ever want to see another **** fat bastard eating **** like twinkies and ho hos and **** whole gallon tubs of ice cream, because the **** is disgusting. And what's worse, you fat mother fuckers have the nerve to complain. What the **** is there to compain about. You're so mad? You're so upset? You're so hungry? Tell ya what: go grab a knife, go grab a fork, go grab a spoon, put a napkin in your shirt so as not to spill, and eat yourself. Seriously, get some of that good fat off your back. Jump in a **** oven and sizzle for a minute. The world is not the problem, ya fat fucks. YOU ARE! You made yourself this way, all the Walruses and Elephants and **** Hippopotamus' of the human race. You did it to yourself! Don't ask us for some fake ass placebo diet pills, and don't ask us for our plastic surgery and our liposuction. Suffer the consequences of your own greedy fatness.
IF I WERE...
You know, folks, journalism wasn't always my passion. I didn't always want to sit around writing editorials and trashing peoples lives night in and night out. I actually used to have an honest goal for my life, a goal that may be far off now, but it is not impossible. People, I used to want to write, direct, and star in my own movies. Hell, I'd have even been the producer. Sadly, such a dream is far off now. I'm 33, I get good enough money writing for UWE, as well as my own little freelance ****. I'm doing alright, in case you were wondering.
But if, IF, I were to make a movie... it's be called “Do Not Perish”... yeah. It'd be about this superhero named Galexio and his name used to be Parrish Jenkins before **** went crazy and he got struck by lightning while, at the same time, doing open heart surgery, cuz he was a doctor, and all of this fused to make him able to save any life... but he now ages at a rate 3 times that of a normal human's and the only way he can stop this process is by saving the life of the woman he loves. Yeah... that'd be awesome.
CLOSING STATEMENTS
I wanna see Baine and Chevelle go at it. That would be one of the most amazing behemoth clashes in human history. The Silverback vs The Demon. Oh man, talk about a whole lot of awesome. Yeah, I said it. Awesome. **** Chip Horton.
And this editorial is brought to you by the Trojan Man. Best condoms I've ever used. My girl likes the cinnamon flavored ones so... yeah. Big ups to Trojan. And Salad. Big ups to salad, and not those fake ass, styrofoam salads you get at McDonalds and Burger King. Those are shitty and, seriously, are probably more likely to cause cancer than direct contact with nuclear waste. I'm talking about real salad. Olive Garden type salad. Yeah.
C2 Editorial
You probably just finished Bryce’s editorial, and I can imagine what’s going through your mind. You either love it or you hate it. For those who love it, you make my job easier. For those who hate it, well, it’s my job to win your love back for us journalists here at UWE. Oh by the way, I’m Cory Chevelle and you’re reading the Chevelle Report.
Back again, and like kids on monkey bars, I’m still swinging! Or maybe that’s like APES on...aw, forget it!
That’s right, from here on out The Chevelle Report will be a featured editorial inside UWE’s The ****: you didn’t see! So let’s get started!
UWE: Then and Now
UWE today is not the same fed it was a year, two years, three years, or even FOUR years ago. It’s much more different place. The faces have changed over the years, the kind of people involved, and the general feel. UWE was once a place full of underdogs. UWE itself was an underdog. Of all the feds that started around the same time with UWE, no one thought it’d become anything. Now look at it. Four, almost five years running and the place continues to grow and evolve. It’s changed drastically over the last two years especially. Today, it’s one of the best feds you can be part of. The community is great, the shows are great, and the talent’s even greater. May it continue to develop and grow for the better in the years to come!
Let’s talk wrasslin’
Got a lot happening with this Money in the bank, Blackout and Showdown into mania thing. A Chevelle vs Baine match has been teased plenty of times, we see that our Blackout and Showdown superstars just can’t wait to square off for their respective brands. But what about the shows individually? What’s going on there? On Showdown you have Angelus vs Scylla being the Wrestlemania main event. Not sure what to say on it really. Not sure what can be said. So we’ll move on to what’s cooking on Blackout. Though it’s no confirmed, I feel very strongly that sooner than later, we’ll have a bomb shell dropped on us. I feel like there’s been a pattern of a few guys feuding with each other, and they’ve all be really dancing around one another and the same couple of belts the last month or so. Those men being Quentin Barnes, Tony Daniels, Stoner, and Fervor Falls. Now I’m wondering, could this be our main event for Blackout at Wrestlemania? With the title(s) on the line!? Just wait for it folks. If you haven’t been paying attention to what’s been happening, you need to start. Because there’s something big brewing.
Also, going back to Showdown, how far have Vlad and Jamal come since they started in UWE? Seriously, good job to those guys! They certainly have shown improvement and nothing but the will to learn! In the ring, they may be beasts, but out of it, nicest guys ever.
Showdown will be sending Ace Borger, Bryan Blaze, and Masahide into the Money in the Bank match. Not bad choices. Blaze is coming off of a very high profile feud with Angelus while Masa was one of the most dominating wrestlers featured in the Rumble. Ace retired Adam Deming and seems determined for this match. On the other hand, Blackout went with a few different choices. Chip Horton, who’s REALLY came out in the last month or two and shown what he’s made of. Pyronus Souria, ALSO came out and showed the world he’s through playin’ with it. Then we have Effin Rox. I hear he’s a zombie. After watching Blackout two weeks ago, I believe it. Very good choices on both ends. Any one of those guys that wins is gonna become a made man I think. Possibly the new face of UWE going into 2010.
You shilly mudda fawka
Someone misspelled “oops” in a promo. How the **** do you do that? I see terrible things happening in their future. Loved ones abandoning them, children dying, and a career ending.
Witty sum’****
I don’t know really. I haven’t really seen anything that’s just hit me as out right witty. But Pyro’s been on a role lately, I’ll toss this one to him.
Some where over the rainbow...
Is a pot of gold. This one’s going to the folks I think have most improved. As I mentioned earlier, Vlad and Jamal came a long way. This one’s for you guys. Good job.
And the pat on the back of the week goes to...
James J. You ended your losing streak, congrats. Now use it to keep it up!
The Man of the hour...(The ‘FRICKEN’ Chevelle award)
Tony...FRICKEN...Daniels! Three, no...FOUR years in the making. FOUR years this guy has hunted Triple Crown gold and not only did he find it this time, but he earned it. Big round of applause to the depressed day dreamer and all that other **** he calls himself. You earned it buddy.
Bye.
Welp, I’ve said my piece. I’m through. Next time I’ll rant and praise a little more. But let’s be honest, what I didn’t say this week Bryce covered already. So, have a good’n folks.
